Hi, 好久不见

这里，也许是我唯一可以为所欲为地发泄的地方

今天
是一个曾经非常非常要好的朋友的生日

在这里
我先祝她生日快乐

今天我选择用中文，是因为我觉得，中文才能把我的心情完整的表态出来

来说说这个好朋友的故事吧

2012年的七月
我开始我的大学生活
也就是认识了这位朋友的时候

开始时候
知道了她是来自另一个半岛的朋友
就觉得她应该会很寂寞吧
没什么机会回家
心里就想
要好好地对待她
让她觉得这里也有关心她的朋友，爱她的朋友

我们开始越来越亲密
时常一起读书，吃饭，讨论事情，甚至晚上洗好澡都要去她的房间陪她谈天
有时候还一起出去看电影，逛街，看朋友的表演
我对她就好像自己的妹妹一样
也许是我自己没有妹妹，又是巨蟹座性格（妈妈的性格）吧

我们关系真的很好很好
好得我现在很怀念那时候的时光 :(

一年前吧
我们开始我们的夜生活了 （大学时期必备吧？）
一个星期总有一天会出去
我大概维持了几个月
开始觉得闷了
就推辞了

那时候有另一个朋友时常跟她一起去
她们俩，在外头又认识了一些朋友
那时候可以说是一个星期去3、4天吧

但是我觉得只要不影响学业就好 :/
毕竟我又不是她们的谁，没必要管也没资格说吧



今年四月
我、她们俩和另一个朋友一起到马六甲实习

一开始
大家都是开开心心的
虽然有时候我不是很融的进她们
也许是她们比较崇洋，我比较“华人”吧
可是至少大家平时都谈谈天，我也觉得没问题

我承认我自己是脾气很不好
非常容易就生气
但是我非常容易气消

最后两个星期，她开始不怎么跟我说话了
见面不过三句话
我也不知道发生了什么事
也许是我得罪了哪里
我不知道？

自从我们从马六甲回来
我开始觉得她变了
是完完全全的变了
一句话都不跟我说

这个学期开始了
我们之间反而更疆
虽然我不断的参入我们一班女生中
她却依然回避我
我心想
应该不会气很久吧？

这十个星期在学院里
我们可以说是一次都没说过话
她完完全全回避了我的眼神
我说话她也当听不见
甚至有一次我们一班朋友去看电影
她看到我也去就调头回去了
然后我们有一起复印课本
她甚至不要自己告诉我她要一份
要通过另一个朋友来传话

她不知道
我有多伤心
那一刻
我的心多了一条裂痕
很深很深的裂痕

直到现在
我也不明白发生了什么事
是我做错了什么？
是我说错了什么？
至少让我知道我的死因吧？

说真的
我真的不想失去这么一个朋友
人生中朋友得来不易
做得了朋友都算是有缘份

一杀那要斩断这缘份
对我来说好难好难
你不辛苦？
我很辛苦

曾经我多么想当面问你到底发生了什么事
但是我都鼓不起勇气
我怕
我会更加伤心
我不知道你到底多在乎我们这段友情
我只知道我很在乎
如果你真的朋友都不想做的话
你直说
不要让我掉在半空中
不上不下的
什么都不明白好吗？

但是我想让她知道
我还很珍惜我们的感情
她在我心中还是一个好朋友
我希望有一天
她会好像什么都没发生过一样
叫我：“牙~~~~~ 我要这个这个这个~~~~~~”
我会一直憧憬这一天
如果这天真的来临了
我应该会偷偷的喜极而泣吧

什么时候，我们才能回到这一幕？

我们，还会是朋友吗？

Currently

currently
have a feeling wanted to tell them
but it's not a good timing

but i feel like want to help them
can i?

if i told them
sure la world war III happens

if i don't
they will continue the thing
habis la mereka

should i?


and be a person in the middle
is really tough

i need a strong heart please!

headache....

toothpaste.

Va Len Tines

its valentines
.... so?

its last day of CNY
.... so?

its Chinese valentines too
.... so?

But I'm still very happy to get a gift from you
although its a gift exchange
but I still love it

I'm still waiting there
and this wait
will only exist until the last day we meet

keeping it silent
is better saying it out and get rejected

because only with this way
I won't be so awkward by annoying you around...

:)

Music.

Yes
I'm back to my music life!

Back to PCCO
Thanks Ant chua for inviting :)

That feeling
Cant describe how good it is!

Although it's very hot during practice
Although it's very far
Although I'm very lazy

But now I'm telling myself
It's a chance
A chance to let me get back to music life
Because I know only music can heal me
No matter how hurt I am
No matter how lonely I am

And all my music partners
I love you guys
You guys are awesome!

I'm really grateful to have you all in my life!

"Life is like a song."

乐团的回忆！

来来
破例一次
用中文！

今天跟这个番薯出去

咱两不约而同穿黑衣蓝短裤 xD
那件ladybug的衣服是买给两个侄儿的 ^^

今天一整天都在谈乐团的事情
从育华，到中华，到南益，到专艺，再到大乐乐
都有着一些回忆阿~

在育华
我们想到一起演《十八般武艺》的时候
到处去住人家的家
哈哈哈
还爆那个番薯的糗事
她竟然还留着我爬篱笆的video!!

然后跟她解释了我之前跟南益一起参全国赛
那些排练的场景
严肃的气氛
开心的回忆~

讲到专艺
我好想念以前一大堆人一起排练的时候
放工了赶过来
一起排练
虽然有时候很闷，打瞌睡
但是看人家出糗也很好玩
还有那段排练到深夜
一堆人一起去吃大炒
或者是在对面old town解决的时候
那种感觉
好棒~
还有还有
《寻找失落的乐章》
最最最有回忆的一场音乐会阿！
虽然我们人少少
可是我们很开心~
我很想念那几个“死女人” “hiao婆” “很dry的人”
很想念你们在排练的时候那幅hiao样
很想念你们的声音
很想念卓迪生，很想念你跟我hiao然后我们一起和kift去fatimaa吃宵夜
很想念赖胤良 ，很想念你 弹琵琶发牢骚的声音，很想听你唱《海绵宝宝》的主题曲
很想念郑小豆，很想念跟你一起在专艺过夜聊天看戏讲八卦的时候
很想念penny，很想念你blur blur的样子，很想继续骗你，看你被骗的样子
很想念定天姐姐，很想念跟你一起大三八的时候，一起乱乱撩衣服拍照
很想念阿万，很想念跟你粘在一起乱乱hiao, 跟你玩真的很爽~
还很想念很多人啊~
很想念美萍，很想念跟你一起一辆车游车河，去times square吃了meet fresh才去排练的时候~
很想念蔡蚂蚁，想念跟你一起讲八卦，看你变沈殿霞，戴小帽子，看你就很好笑~
很想念刘建荣，想念跟你一起不要去练习，两个串通不要去，还有一起讲人家八卦！
还很记得跟着剑青老师的van去别的乐团（UPM, UKM, MMU）去演出
到处乱乱认识人
到现在我都不记得人家的名字 （很愚阿！）
可是很好玩！

还很记得自己参与过大乐乐乐团的表演两次
一次是跟建荣
一次是不知道自己干吗厚脸皮去面试
但是拉什么屁出来都不知道
最有回忆的就是《动漫世界》
这么多场音乐会
第一次试过专艺的排练厅是满的
第一次看过那么有效率的办事能力
第一次参过那么有水准的乐团
第一次接触那么多新鲜的乐曲
第一次跟着著名指挥演出
第一次就算觉得排练很大压力但是还是死都要去排练的感觉
啊啊啊
大乐乐真的是很棒的乐团！
在那边学到的东西真的好多好多

真的很想念以前热热闹闹的生活
现在
好冷清
大家都各忙各的
好想见见大家...
哎~
我也好久好久没有碰到double bass了
八个月了
我守身如玉八个月啊！
几时才来破斋？

Friend. Friends?

these days
I keep asking myself
am I very annoying?
am I very muka tebal?
am I very unwanted?

these thoughts keep came into my mind
I can't focus on anything
I'm sad
I'm hurt

I realized that left behind is the only thing to explain my life...
especially there's a group of friends that I called them my very good friends
that did such things to me
maybe they didn't realize it
but it just hurt me and don't give me any courage to continue anymore...


everything began here...


on a random wednesday
I planned to go swimming
so I rejected a gang of friends to go McDonalds
and I asked them to buy Taro Pie for me

when they came back
I went down and get from them
at that moment
I heard they say wanna go someone's room to watch movie after bath
I pretended like heard nothing and get back to room
I keep telling myself: I have my own movie, I can watch myself...
because people didn't invite you, why want to have a thick face and go ask?


on the next day
we went to class as usual
at first my mood is very nice
but when they came into class, they didn't sit in the usual place they sat
Ky (another girl came in with me) tell me to sit to the same side with them
and I sat alone in a row, Ky sat in front of me
people keep coming
still nobody sat with me
I told myself: never mind, it's ok to sit alone..
then two girls came late
I saw in front was full
then I thought maybe they will sit in a row with me so I excused myself a little bit
but then
they just walk pass me..
I told myself again: they wanted a clearer view, so they went behind (cz it's higher)

then
lecturer wanted us to seperate into group for presentation
some of them sat in front of me, some of them sat behind me
but then
they straight ignored me and ask girls behind me to join their group
my heart just dropped
stunned
I asked myself: am I invisible? why they don't want to be in the same group with me? did I do anything wrong?
I tried to calm myself down
and don't think so much
I was expecting Ky to ask me join her group
she was in a group with Andrew, Goh, Nick at first
lecturer said maximum five in a group
I was waiting them to turn behind and ask me
but
someone said:"Josh is not here, let's get Josh in a group."
at that moment
I felt my heart just crashed
I really don't know what happened to me
that everyone is treating me as invisible
but I know
If people didn't invite you, don't get a thick face and ask for it
so
I zipped up my mouth and thinking to go solo for the presentation
but luckily
I still have another friend that didn't abandon me
and both of us were in a group


yeah
maybe I'm over-reacting
maybe I take it very serious
maybe I was getting trouble myself

but if that was you
how would you do?
what will you think?

even when there's just three of us
I was the one always left out

and if there's a gang of girls
I was the one left out too

I'm used to it
but it still hurts....

lessons learned in this few days:
1. There's always one to be left out if there's a group more than two.
2. I rather get one good friend that will feel I'm important than a group of friends that will forget me sometimes.
3. Don't be a person with thick face.



I will still be friends with them
smile with them
but
I won't expect anything more from them

“Sometimes life is too hard to be alone,

 and sometimes life is too good to be alone.”

What am I?

and yeah
I'm back
it's been a long time

now
my life is being a babysitter
which is the topic i'm having in my sembreak now

came back for almost ten days
here's Kedah
staying in my cousin's house
 which is my father's brother's house
taking care of my father's brother's son's babies..

and
everytime i came back
the only thing they will say is
why are you so fat?

why am i so fat?
i'm asking myself also
is it my fault?
ok
it's my body, so its my fault right?

yeah
i'm fatty
so what?
SO WHAT?

I came back to help you take care of the babies
I wasted my three weeks of sem break here
you freaking oldies!

I'm here to help you
everyday I take care the babies from early morning till midnight
it's almost 24 hours
even slept with baby and baby wake up, i wake up

everyday, you cooked for me
I scare that my appearance might brought some troubles for you
so I told myself
don't cause troubles, try to help more, don't waste things here

I don't even dare to eat more than enough
I was so disciplined
I don't even want you to spend on me

Everyday you freaking old lady tell me go eat
I don't want to let you feel that I'm only eating at here
so I said no

Then you freaking old lady said:
every time say you're full, later go back home dunno gain how many KGs again lah!

wow
this is hurt!

yeah
I'm still not that appreciatable right?

I went cycling with you on the first day I came back
I'm tired during cycling
but I finished it with you

and you need to tell the WHOLE FAMILY that I'm fat, I'm weak, I didn't exercise, I didn't workout
I've been in finals for three weeks, you didn't even studied college how can you know what situation I'm having?

Gaaaaahhhh
staying in people's house is really not a good thing
especially i'm not a pretty, likeable, or skinny girl

and once more time I've proven that

FATTIES AREN'T RESPECTED BY THE WORLD.